Today started in a bad place- he rang- I answered- I tried to be strong and pretend not to be moved by him- but as soon as I hung up I cried- a lot. I’m over crying now if I’m honest, it’s getting irksome after 6 weeks.
I nearly cancelled running but I’m glad I didn’t- it wasn’t fast or pretty but the company was amazing. We had to change our route as they are doing forestry work on the decent down Sharphaw- wish we had known before going that way as it meant running up the steep side- not welcome.
On the way back we unfortunately encountered an absolute dick head- an absolute wanker. He was supervising a sponsored walk organised by the local girls school. He decided to shout at my friend and and I, laughing at our form, calling us “girls” even doing impressions of us. How utterly abhorrent a message to send to the young women he was with. It’s 2021 and still we are expected to put up with this. He is the reason many woman are too scared to get out and run- fear of catcalls and ridicule- and he chose to do just that in front of the future generation of women.
I wrote a post on a local page and, as expected, was called a snowflake. Told I was too sensitive- that it was “banter” and I was orchestrating a witch hunt- not sure I expected anything else
As for him.. he is still insisting he is doing the therapy and CBT, and I get it, I get 100% what he is saying- I stupidly met him for coffee today. He seems to be genuine- but it still feels so bloody manipulative. I also found two of the women who’s photos he had on his phone and they confirmed that they were really old Tinder photos and they hadn’t been on for at least two years- as he said, they were old photos.. one also said she deleted Tinder but when she updated her phone it reinstalled- something he said had happened to him..
That’s not to say my opinion has changed- he still cheated on his ex wife- several times.. he still was in a relationship when we first met and didn’t tell me. He lied about women he was in contact with and had relationships with.
Even though this was before me it still doesn’t sit comfortably- the fact he has never been faithful. Having said that when M and I met I was in a relationship, so am I any better than him?
The difference is that I was honest- completely and unfailingly honest. I didn’t manipulate and, by Ms own admission, abuse him. I was lovely, simply lovely. I wouldn’t treat my worse enemy the way he treated me, or the women before me. Had he said “you know what Claire, I’ve been a bit of a lad” I would have approached the relationship with much trepidation but I think I would still have seen him. It’s the dishonesty which is his downfall.
You shouldn’t have to lie to get someone to love you- I never have. I like to think I am honest about my flaws- I can be selfish, stand off ish- I can be a terrible friend- needy one minute and then pushing away the next. I struggle when people put expectations on me. But people will love me regardless, because of my honesty. My warmth, my humour.
Mortgage appointment tomorrow. I need a safe distance from him. I need my own space. Only then will I have a clear head, a clear vision of my future and who that may involve