The rush to be fixed

What a (negative) difference a week makes

I promised to be honest and authentic about my “journey” (🤢🤢 please shoot me if I EVER use that word when I’m not physically going on my hollibobs) so here it is, eye bags, warts, fast fading Botox and all.

My road to recovery is not going to be a clear trajectory, no matter how much I click my heals together and repeat “you’re going to be amazing” . It’s going to have huge dips, massive highs- and days which are quite simply “meh”- it’s actually the “meh” days I crave, the normal, forgetful ones.

Trauma+ Self recrimination= automatic failure

Today was a tough one- there was absolutely no trigger. No warning- well, that’s a lie, I’m due on my period, the empty biscuit barrel attests to this fact- I had a stupendously early night last night, thought I slept incredibly well- but am bone achingly tired. I think it’s because my brain still never switches off- even when sleeping. And when I wake up? It straight back into analysis mode

I should have got up and gone for a run, but instead I lay in bed. Obsessively googling “shame after narcissistic abuse”, “how long to recover from emotional abuse”, “am I normal”?

People keep telling me I’m getting it wrong, fuck I keep telling myself I’m getting it wrong!. That I need to stop thinking about it, talking about it- hell, last week it was even implied I loved my abuser still. I feel nothing for him, not a single emotion, not even anger. My fixation is most definitely no longer on understanding him, or on the cruel things he did and said, it’s on me. Figuring out how to love me again, how to make myself a new, different life from the one I expected to live.

Fuck. It’s scary

Those who have not lived through narcissistic abuse will not understand it. They simply won’t get it. How it destroys your sense of self. The brains of those who have suffered it have the same markers as soldiers who have returned from war. Would you tell a soldier they should be “over it”? That they are somehow to blame? Would you tell them that maybe they should take some responsibility for the battles they fought in?

It’s not your fault you don’t understand, but maybe educate yourself a little? Maybe then you would understand why I struggle making decisions right now? Why I’m avoidant of situations which could be easily solved? Why I’ve become so self absorbed and inward? Why I cling to the thoughts and opinions of others?

“Unfortunately, victims are unaware of the dangers that exist in becoming involved with a narcissist until it’s too late and often after years of being subjected to trauma, abuse, and depression which may result in PTSD( Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) CD (Cognitive Dissonance) &, Stockholm Syndrome (Much like prisoners of war victims are left feeling they have to defend their abuser , love their abuser, despite years of captivity, isolation, deprivation, and abuse).” Source

Symptoms of NAS (narcissistic abuse syndrome) include but are not limited to

  • Disassociation
  • Trauma
  • Avoidance of Personal Interaction
  • Anxiety
  • Sleeping or Eating Difficulties
  • Memory Loss or Impairment
  • Constant Fatigue
  • Depression
  • Lost Sense of Self
  • Confusion
  • Flashbacks
  • Anger/Bitterness
  • Hopelessness
  • Self Harming
  • Loss of Interest/Detachment
  • Shame
  • Fear
  • Difficulty making informed decisions

I AM making progress. It’s not all about him any more, which is huge! I’m making moves to live authentically.

I know I’m not going to be the Claire I was before I met this evil entity, I know I will be changed. Hopefully for the better, but I need to give myself time! I need other people to give me time. To understand that on the days I wake up crying I don’t need a good talking to, I need to be dragged up a hill. Made to leave my phone at home. I need to put awful music on and dance- I may even just need a shag. But I need to be taken out of my head, not made to feel guilty.

I AM going to be amazing, but I’m also going to be shit at some points along the way. Just have faith in me, cut me some slack. Try to understand.

Sometimes empathy goes a lot further than tough love. That doesn’t mean letting someone live it in- it means saying “I understand, what do you need?”

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